Are you going to play?
Imagine you, your ex-wife and your children are contestants on a TV show called "The Blame Game ". We find that the master of ceremonies of the game is Jerry point your Finger, who is encouraging you and your ex. to express your resentment at one another. The crowd becomes energized with every angry exchange. They want more. We have no reluctance to point out how our former partner has hurt us. The Blame Game is off and running. It has developed a life of its own and its purpose is the destruction of our loving family.
Here's how the game works.
First - You and her start with the belief that it's completely the other persons fault.
Next- Neither one of you are going to take it anymore, you've had enough.
Finally - When the other person says or does something disrespectful, unkind or mean, you come back at them with your own mean and angry response.
You probably know this game. Here how you keep score. With every angry response, your children receive one or more dysfunctional points. As the game continues, you and the mother become more resentful and angry at each other. Your children are feeling your anger and are taken in all the negativity. They are beginning to absorb their parent's negative family heritage. The more anger we have, the greater the number of points that our children will receive. As the problems between you and her continue, so does the game. We are, through The Blame Game, raising children with large amounts of points and an abundance of problems that they will need to overcome as adults. Our success with the game will cause them to need unlearn what we have taught them. They may even experience a fail marriage, following our example and teachings.
You, as the Father, can only be the true winner of this game, by not playing. The game is rigged against your family.
There is a plan for our lives, we are not here as a random event. We all have a life that is purpose driven. As a Father we are here to learn about ourselves, so as to be a more effective example and teacher. We are required in this capacity to face who we are as a person. To take our shortcomings, make them our strength and by doing so, we will become the Father we know we can be.
The goal of this book is to help you get off the Blame Game Show. Reign as a contestant. The price to your family is too high. The way we can do that is by changing our habits of thinking and feeling. We need to alter the way we think about the mother of our children. I'm sure your children can learn despite us, but for better or worse, we will be their example. In order to gain the greatest benefit from this information, you'11 be asked to write on your thoughts and feelings, keep a daily journal. This will help guide you in understanding yourself better.
Let the Fathering begin.
The Commitment of a Father
One of the main requirements for being a father is commitment. To be the best. father you can, you'll need to do some significant personal work. Not Just hear 1t. Not just read it. Not just say it. Not just agree with it. Not just wish for it.
But actually, do it!
This means doing the necessary outer work and doing the necessary inner work. Our purpose is to have good and loving relationships with our children and to be the best fathers that we can be. In this effort, we will want to be the best men that we can be. We simply need to clear away the habits that keep us from being the leaders of our families, the fathers.
Imagine that you just woke up from a coma, and you don't remember who you are or anything from the past. They tell you that you have children and an ex-wife. You have no resentments and no preconceived ideas about the mother or your children.
There's a blank sheet of paper in front of you. Create your life and family. You'll need to decide who you'll be and how you'll act and react. Decide whether you will love or hate, be patient and accepting or resentful. You're creating a projection of how you and your family will develop.
Let me suggest that you begin with good positive words like love, kindness, consideration, tolerance, giving, patience, acceptance, etc. Create sentences and statements that represent how you would ideally like your family to be. Keep it all positive, even though it may seem impossible now!
Don't worry about grammar or correct sentence structure. Do your best. You are the only one who will read it. As the father, one of your jobs is to be the spirit of your family. You are now in control, you are setting the agenda.
Here's an example commitment scenario:
My children: I see my family growing in kindness and consideration. We have a good and loving relationship with one another. We enjoy being with each other. We are not perfect, but I strive to be the good and loving example for my children and to influence the mother in positive ways. We express our good feelings by showing patience, acceptance and tolerance for our shortcomings. As the father, I will teach my children that good feelings can survive in the midst of struggles. I am the father. We are a family.
Read your commitment statement daily. Add to or adjust your scenario when you understand and know more about what you want. This is a work in progress. This is important: Know that the resentful part of you will resist your new family direction.
Fight for your fatherhood by continually reading your family scenario. Read it silently to yourself, and also read it out loud. Put some emotion into your statement. The correct words and energizing emotions will help bring it about.
The words are like the accelerator in your car, moving you forward, and the exploding fuel is like your emotions. When you are resentful, you put angry energy into your words and family. Instead, put positive energy into your new family. Commit your statement to memory. Develop it as one of your activities of self-talk. Tell a trusted friend about your family plan.
Imagine that you have entered a restaurant with wonderful aromas and delicious foods. You sit down and wait for your server to take your order. You sit there waiting, but no one comes. You become upset, even a bit angry. Everyone else is eating, but you're not. Then it occurs to you: It's a buffet, and you need to get up and get it yourself.
If you're going to be the best father you can be and teach your children the good stuff, you'll need to get up and do it yourself. No one is going to do it for you. We fathers need to move our focus away from the problems of the past, put our egos in our back pockets and begin thinking in a new direction with new solutions.
Our commitment is to change, alter and improve ourselves. When we do all this, we will be a good example-as the father- for our children. Change is not easy, but your children are worth the effort. At some point, if you persist, you will see that your efforts to improve will bring a better life for you personally.
You'll be training yourself to think, believe and react more positively. Ask yourself this question: Would you want your children to act and to react in the same way you do? If not, you'll need to be a better example.
Your family is not falling apart. It's actually falling together, but only if you have a new mission for yourself as the father. You are the father of the long haul. Your family scenario is how you want your situation to end up.
Make a commitment. Create a scenario now and read it daily.
LET THE FATHERING BEGIN